


the color of your smile

by AllisonDiamond



Category: Daredevil (TV), Iron Fist (TV), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Defenders (Marvel TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bisexual Matt Murdock, Break Up, Character Study, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, M/M, Matt Murdock Needs a Hug, Non-Linear Narrative, Pansexual Danny Rand, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 05:53:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12102204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllisonDiamond/pseuds/AllisonDiamond
Summary: Philophobia: The fear of falling in love or emotional attachment.Matt’s fear of opening up costs him everything in the end.





	the color of your smile

 

Danny is a very layered person.

He might seem one-dimensional, but Matt knows better. He sees beneath the soft curls, the bright eyes, the naiveness; sees the anger lingering within — it’s _some_ thing Matt relates to. Knows how it feels to have that _rage_ bursting inside you, threatening to destroy all the things you hold dear.

Unlike him, Danny _doesn’t_ hide behind isolation and frustration. He doesn't push the ones he loves away, doesn't hide behind a fancy suit and dark glasses, doesn't chase after pain, doesn't suffer in silence because he thinks he deserves it.

He _isn’t_ weak like Matt. He knows how to control himself, how to open his heart up, how to build good relationships.

Matt … Matt _doesn’t_ know how to do any of those things He wants to learn how to be better in control of himself, but he doesn't know where to start. He wants to open his heart up, to let _Danny_ in, to let him _fix_ him, but he is afraid of what Danny would think of him.

He knows it is foolish of him to think like this, but a part of him believes that once Danny sees him for being the _damaged_ man he really is, he will leave, and Matt will be alone again.

And he doesn't know if he wants to go through that pain again, not after Elektra, not after Karen. He feels like he’d break if _Danny_ leaves him.

** * **

Matt _doesn’t_ have the courage to let Danny in, not even after he asks Danny to marry him, and he says yes.

He knows that a good marriage is built on trust, honesty, and compromise. There is none of those things in their relationship, not on Matt’s side.

He tries to be honest, to show Danny that he trusts him, but he never goes through with it. He is just _too_ afraid. Afraid of the heartache, the judgement, the eventual _isolation_. 

So, he continues lying to Danny, not showing him the bruises he earns every night on the streets, not going to any of the parties Rand’s Enterprise throws for the new couple. 

Danny never says anything and Matt knows that isn't a good thing.

Matt _pushes_ Danny away, not because he wants to, but because he doesn't know better.

** * **

He _sees_ the hole in their relationship. Sees how Danny distances himself from Matt now, how he chooses to sleep on the end of the bed rather on the middle, curled up next to Matt, like he usually does.

And Matt understands. 

He is the one causing this and he should fix it, but he still is too damn scared to do a thing.

So, their _relationship_ keeps on crumbling, and Matt knows how much that is hurting Danny, and he still _won’t_ let the man he loves, the man he will marry in, and what is that saying about their upcoming marriage?

** * **

Danny chooses to stay with him, and he doesn't understand why.

Nevertheless, Matt is glad he does, because if Danny leaves, he doesn't know how he can keep on living. His whole world is Danny and he doesn't want to lose that.

Still, there are moments _when_ Danny’s hand freezes on the door, but he never shuts it completely, and keeps on staying with Matt.

** * **

The day before their wedding, the day when _Elektra_ crashes in their apartment, the day when Matt’s tongue is down her throat, that is the day Danny decides he has had enough of this.

He wouldn't believe Matt if he tells him that he wasn't kissing Elektra, but she was holding him down, and forcing him.

He _won’t_. 

And what reasons has Matt given him to believe otherwise?

None.

And when Danny walks out of the door, throws his ring at Matt, punching through the wall, Matt doesn't stop him. He lets him walk away because he never deserves someone as pure and innocent as Danny.

** * **

Days go by, weeks pass, and Danny doesn't return, never calls him, and Matt finds himself falling into bed with Elektra.

He knows it is wrong, that he shouldn't be doing any of this, but there is this raw pain deep inside him, and he doesn't want to deal with it.

So, he chooses to be with Elektra, hoping that she can make him forget, hoping that she will make things easier for him. It doesn’t.

Fucking her is nothing like making love to Danny. Kissing her is nothing like kissing Danny. 

Once she was his whole world but that had been before he met Danny.

And he wants to cry for being such a fool, for dragging the one good thing in his life away.

** * **

He is finished with another fucking session with Elektra when he hears footsteps ascending, and he _smells_ the clouds and the skies. 

Fuck. He holds his head down in shame when he realizes what that meant.

Danny hasn't reached his — _their_ —room yet, but he starts talking anyway. “Matt,” he calls, “are you there? We need to talk. I’m sorry for leaving you like that. I had to deal with some stuff.”

Matt’s breath hitches in his throat. Elektra moves beside him, wrapping her arms around him, kissing his neck.

Matt doesn't have the strength to turn her away. He wants to but it doesn't matter now, does it? He remembers the time Karen caught him with Elektra, and how he lied to her about that.

He _can’t_ do that with Danny.

And when Danny opens the door and sees them together, Matt smells the betrayal and pain and anger.

“I…I’ll _just_ leave,” Danny says, defeat running through him. “I shouldn’t have come. Ward was right.”

Matt wants to reach out, to tell him how much he regrets doing this to him, but he doesn’t. He just remains there, letting the man he loves walk away from him.

**Author's Note:**

> This ended a lot more tamer than what I planned, and there is hope for reconciliation in the future, so.
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://neenabthurman.tumblr.com)


End file.
